


Hate Myself

by lioness_says



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Drabble, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:15:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29949156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lioness_says/pseuds/lioness_says
Summary: Azriel gets overwhelmed by how close Gwyn gets to him. He just can't stand it and needs to push her away.Short Drabble.
Relationships: Azriel/Gwyneth Berdara
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	Hate Myself

_I don't see you like I should_

_You look so misunderstood_

_And I wish I could help_

_But it's hard when I hate myself_

_Pray to God with my arms open_

_If this is it, then I feel hopeless_

_And I wish I could help_

_But it's hard when I hate myself_

“—You don’t understand what I am. The unspeakable things I’ve done with my hands!” Azriel couldn’t take it. Gwyn always found a way to bring his voice out. Usually, it was snarky remarks while training. Or the playful banter when they were alone. Her questions were always so playful. The only time he had raised his voice was after the truth about the necklace had come out. A necklace that right now, was deep in the Sidra after Gwyn threw it there. _“Let us start over,” she said_. But this wasn’t that.

Gwyn was so good to him. She was happy, she was there but he couldn’t stop thinking. _This is all a lie._ Gwyn is nice to everyone. 

**_She doesn’t kiss everyone though._** His shadows whispered.

But no this has to be a lie. Gwyn doesn’t need him. Gwyn doesn’t need someone like him. She doesn’t need someone with so much blood and carnage. Scars so deep and ugly that made the ones on his hands look normal. She doesn’t need someone who would suffocate her in darkness.

“I’m not gonna let you push me away!” She looked at him with anger, her lip tight, her fist balled. Fire seemed to light up behind her teal eyes.

“Every time we get a little further you just want to lock yourself up. You put up all these walls around you. Azriel… please let me in” Her anger was there but she looked.. so misunderstood. Like she couldn’t fathom why he wouldn’t open up to her. Someone else would have ran to embrace her, but not Azriel.

No, her persistence, her drive to learn about him, to learn what was wrong. It pissed him off. Not because of her, never her, but because of himself. _You can’t even take a moment to give her reassurance? Do you have to be the reason to cause misery everywhere?_ Azriel stared at her, noticing how due to the rain her hair looked darker, not like the usual hot molten metal it did when she was happy when it wasn’t raining. _I did that. I caused her to be like this._ That pushed him, pushed him to end this. Scare her off, show her everything. End it here where it began.

“Do you want to know everything? You want to know how it’s like to wake up and just never have the energy to get up. To wake up miserable?” He took a step closer to her.

“You want to know what I think? How when I look at my brothers be so happy, I’m Jealous! They are the happiest they can be and I don’t think I’ll ever have that. I want it so badly. But I can’t have that because no one needs to be with me! No one needs to be smothered by my darkness. YOU don’t need to be smothered by that!” Azriel didn’t even realize when he started crying but he couldn’t stop.

“I couldn’t save myself, I couldn’t save my mother. She can’t even look at me, couldn’t even hold me. She just sits and looks out of the window every time I visit her! Because I’m the fucking bastard that reminds her of my father!” His chest tightened, he never told anyone about his mother, not even Rhys, or Cassian. They knew she was there but didn’t know how she felt about him. He felt his knees get weaker. 

“I torture and kill people! It's my job, it's the only thing I can do! I’m good at it. I needed to be useful to everyone. Spying and torturing is something I’m good at! It keeps people away. Scares them, and then no one can get too close.” Azriel looked at Gwyn, the fire from earlier was gone from her eyes. Just sadness prevailed, sadness and sympathy filled them. Her tears mixing with the rain. Azriel felt himself choke.

“I can’t just … just..” He fell to his knees. Everything he said catching up to him. All the anger and sadness becoming too much to hold him up.

“I hate myself… I hate myself too much… Too much to let you in, you don’t need that hate Gwyneth” Azriel didn’t look up, numbness taking over him. He just watched as the water slipped past his fingers. But he felt her. He felt her as she went on her knees. He felt her as she sobbed. He felt her wrap her arms around him. He felt her bring him close. He felt her as she picked up one of his hands and kissed it. He felt her look at him while he still looked at the rain bouncing off the training ground floor.

“I’m not gonna let you push me away,” Gwyn stated. Moving to run her fingers in his hair.

“Nothing you say can push me away. I know you have your demons Azriel. I saw it that night, the night of the winter solstice” Azriel pushed closer into Gwyn, feeling her warmth bring him something, something he couldn’t name.

“You’re wrong you know.” Azriel stiffened, worried about what she was gonna say next. 

“You’re wrong. You can’t smother me in darkness. I always found comfort in it. You saw me at my worst Azriel. Yet you still look at me as an equal. You don't look at me with pity. You trained me. You helped me.” Azriel looked at her. Surprised. His shadows wrapping around both of them.

“I want all of you, not just the Azriel that helps me walk through Velaris one street block at a time. Not just the Azriel I steal kisses from when I’m practicing hiding in the shadows. Not just the Azriel that holds me close when there are too many people around. I want all of you, even the Azriel that breaks down in the rain because… _cauldron_ … life just asked so much of him” Gwyn pressed her forehead against his.

“You help me every day. I don’t care how dark and bleak it gets. I will help you… I’ll help you not hate yourself. I’ll be there next to you, just like you are with me. So I repeat, I won’t let you push me away.”

Azriel Cried.

**Author's Note:**

> I basically wrote this because I listened to NF. Hate Myself by NF reminds me about Azriel so much. This is my first time writing something. I apologize if it's bad. English isn't my first language.


End file.
